Heather Havrilesky is one of those writers who comes up a lot when I talk to writers; I don’t mean she’s a “writer’s writer,” whatever that means (although she might be); it’s more that she’s been exemplary at finding new and interesting and useful ways to write well online even as the Internet continually changes, and her writing seems to get better and better even though it started off so strong. Basically: I feel like she’s a borderline institution in a sneaky (and good) way. She’s always producing but she never seems to be chasing. Her voice is always her voice but she’s never stale. I feel like her career is what success with integrity looks like for a modern writer, and anyway setting all that aside: I just know so many people who, like me, drop what they’re doing to read her posts.
I agree with the comment about writing books, except that there is no denying that books, especially physical ones, still have a cachet that newsletters, being perceived as more ephemeral, don't.
I just loved listening to this while I started my morning. Hearing a full circle story in context of where we are today is inspiring to me. I love that Substack gives me access to listening to such talented and intelligent humans. It gives me hope and I love Heather, her wit and her writing is inspiring because I love her no age vibe throughout her career. Not to mention her tough, speak your mind, I feel comfortable in my skin vibe. She is definitely one of my "if you could have dinner" with someone or meet IRL. Thanks for this Heather and Hamish.
That all sounds beautiful! I tink I might be inspired to write myself. You sound like someone I could drink a few beers with, but if that's not your Forte that's cool 😎 too! Be Blessed! 😘
Very interesting conversation. Appealing in answers and conclusions with simple, engaging and honest opinions. It was a pleasure to listen to the woman and the writer.
"It’s so easy to feel, like, invisible and small in a life today, and it’s so important to remind people that they already have a whole world of sensation and joy inside them that they just have to access by allowing reality to be what it is."
That's about the best advice there is... Many thanks!
“Discovering new ways of being happy in spite of a lot of things that are aggravating you is—it’s the most romantic thing of all.”
So does that mean that the many things that aggravate you in a relationship should be Ok to put up with as some kind of sacrifice to the greater good- this thing called love? What kind of love is this? What about striving to outgrow that which impairs our ability to understand and love others BETTER?
Tamsen Firestone says that "We all say that we want to find love. And most of us imagine that finding it is probably the biggest hurdle we’ll face, as far as love goes. But the truth is that the primary obstacle to love is within us. Our biggest challenge isn’t finding love; it’s confronting our defenses against it and daring to allow love to develop”
In Dr. Karen Horney's book "Neurosis and Human Growth" she says
"A better possibility of dealing with destructive forces in ourselves is that of outgrowing them. The way toward this goal is an ever increasing awareness and understanding of ourselves. Self knowledge, then, is not an aim in itself, but a means of liberating the forces of spontaneous growth"
Elsewhere she says,
"To the extent that we take our growth seriously, it will be because of our own desire to do so. And as we lose the neurotic obsession with self, as we become free to grow ourselves, we also free ourselves to love and feel concern for other people. At any rate, whether for ourselves or for others, the ideal is the liberation and cultivation of the forces which lead to self realization"
There is a difference between loving others MORE and loving them BETTER. The former requires no effort since it is fueled by all manner of emotions -rational and irrational- while the latter requires us to take on the courage and humility needed for self awareness so that we may find in ourselves that which makes our love lives so difficult and dysfunctional. This kind of self awareness is not for the fainthearted as it puts into question our culturally conditioned mind that is resistant to change but change we must no matter how we may feel of the outcome since it is the only way to free ourselves from our limited awareness as to what constitutes a long term healthy relationship.
We think we know enough about love but that is self deception as it best. Learning HOW to love better is a life long quest and you can't do it alone. Unfortunately, most men and women, especially those in midlife, are not interested in loving BETTER as you think they should. Mainly because they believe in the myth of romantic love without question which made them believe that loving MORE is BETTER when in reality, it's utter madness. The overvaluation of love sets us up for heartache and grief People die, kill, and get killed for love. how can that possible be love? The reason what these tragedies happen is because we have become stupid about love, as Dr. Marti Ruti pointed out in the link below
Then you have Alain De Botton who provides a brilliant thought provoking observation as to how we were duped into believing in the myth of romantic love and how it literally indocrrinated us into a belief system that was concocted more by illusion than reality.
The future of love will never change unless we free ourselves from our cultural conditioning and it's not just from love, but from our respective religion, politics, gender, and cultural background.
Heather Havrilesky is one of those writers who comes up a lot when I talk to writers; I don’t mean she’s a “writer’s writer,” whatever that means (although she might be); it’s more that she’s been exemplary at finding new and interesting and useful ways to write well online even as the Internet continually changes, and her writing seems to get better and better even though it started off so strong. Basically: I feel like she’s a borderline institution in a sneaky (and good) way. She’s always producing but she never seems to be chasing. Her voice is always her voice but she’s never stale. I feel like her career is what success with integrity looks like for a modern writer, and anyway setting all that aside: I just know so many people who, like me, drop what they’re doing to read her posts.
Great interview!!!
“When you start taking yourself too seriously, you’re in danger of writing some of the world’s worst prose.” 🔥🔥🔥
I agree with the comment about writing books, except that there is no denying that books, especially physical ones, still have a cachet that newsletters, being perceived as more ephemeral, don't.
I just loved listening to this while I started my morning. Hearing a full circle story in context of where we are today is inspiring to me. I love that Substack gives me access to listening to such talented and intelligent humans. It gives me hope and I love Heather, her wit and her writing is inspiring because I love her no age vibe throughout her career. Not to mention her tough, speak your mind, I feel comfortable in my skin vibe. She is definitely one of my "if you could have dinner" with someone or meet IRL. Thanks for this Heather and Hamish.
After 52 wonderful years of marriage, I humbly offer this hypothesis:
Men are stupid; women are crazy.
Love your insightful, snarky, weirdo humor, way to go if you ask me.
That all sounds beautiful! I tink I might be inspired to write myself. You sound like someone I could drink a few beers with, but if that's not your Forte that's cool 😎 too! Be Blessed! 😘
Heather Havrilesky writes the most meaningful, enticing, high-larious, saddest, wisest advice columns in the history of civilization.
I have been waiting for this one, Hamish!!!!
“Books just feel almost ridiculous”, says the person who started a column titled “Dear Tiny Little Penis”.
Very interesting conversation. Appealing in answers and conclusions with simple, engaging and honest opinions. It was a pleasure to listen to the woman and the writer.
Nice
"It’s so easy to feel, like, invisible and small in a life today, and it’s so important to remind people that they already have a whole world of sensation and joy inside them that they just have to access by allowing reality to be what it is."
That's about the best advice there is... Many thanks!
Maybe she can now understand the 22 year old antifa and BLM drones and how to snap them out of their delusions
Why is this exactly what I needed to read at this very moment
"Even though I'm all FOR mean-spirited at times"---- #soul mate heh
“Discovering new ways of being happy in spite of a lot of things that are aggravating you is—it’s the most romantic thing of all.”
So does that mean that the many things that aggravate you in a relationship should be Ok to put up with as some kind of sacrifice to the greater good- this thing called love? What kind of love is this? What about striving to outgrow that which impairs our ability to understand and love others BETTER?
Tamsen Firestone says that "We all say that we want to find love. And most of us imagine that finding it is probably the biggest hurdle we’ll face, as far as love goes. But the truth is that the primary obstacle to love is within us. Our biggest challenge isn’t finding love; it’s confronting our defenses against it and daring to allow love to develop”
In Dr. Karen Horney's book "Neurosis and Human Growth" she says
"A better possibility of dealing with destructive forces in ourselves is that of outgrowing them. The way toward this goal is an ever increasing awareness and understanding of ourselves. Self knowledge, then, is not an aim in itself, but a means of liberating the forces of spontaneous growth"
Elsewhere she says,
"To the extent that we take our growth seriously, it will be because of our own desire to do so. And as we lose the neurotic obsession with self, as we become free to grow ourselves, we also free ourselves to love and feel concern for other people. At any rate, whether for ourselves or for others, the ideal is the liberation and cultivation of the forces which lead to self realization"
There is a difference between loving others MORE and loving them BETTER. The former requires no effort since it is fueled by all manner of emotions -rational and irrational- while the latter requires us to take on the courage and humility needed for self awareness so that we may find in ourselves that which makes our love lives so difficult and dysfunctional. This kind of self awareness is not for the fainthearted as it puts into question our culturally conditioned mind that is resistant to change but change we must no matter how we may feel of the outcome since it is the only way to free ourselves from our limited awareness as to what constitutes a long term healthy relationship.
We think we know enough about love but that is self deception as it best. Learning HOW to love better is a life long quest and you can't do it alone. Unfortunately, most men and women, especially those in midlife, are not interested in loving BETTER as you think they should. Mainly because they believe in the myth of romantic love without question which made them believe that loving MORE is BETTER when in reality, it's utter madness. The overvaluation of love sets us up for heartache and grief People die, kill, and get killed for love. how can that possible be love? The reason what these tragedies happen is because we have become stupid about love, as Dr. Marti Ruti pointed out in the link below
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmhMxXs5xuk&t=134s&ab_channel=UTMississauga
Then you have Alain De Botton who provides a brilliant thought provoking observation as to how we were duped into believing in the myth of romantic love and how it literally indocrrinated us into a belief system that was concocted more by illusion than reality.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ctz6eJ3Pr94&t=527s&ab_channel=SydneyOperaHouse
The future of love will never change unless we free ourselves from our cultural conditioning and it's not just from love, but from our respective religion, politics, gender, and cultural background.